What’s Wrong With America

Dear friends,

I went for a walk last night. Well, not so much a walk as a trip to the mall to buy Dippin’ Dots. They’re the ice cream of the future, you see. But as I was enjoying those heavenly morsels and puzzling their unmeltable wonder (how do they do that?), I took a look around me. Our future is bleak, folks, with or without ice cream marbles.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Bill, you’re old. You’re getting ready to complain about kids today.” I wish I could say that is true. Kids are stupid. Everybody knows that. But it’s not just kids. Grown-up people who should have some sense about them are doing the same thing.

I am talking, of course, about low-rise jeans. If no one else will tell you, your buddy Bill will. They don’t look good. On anybody. Sure, the images WordPress suggests to me show lovely gals in their skinny jeans. They clearly take kickbacks from the garment industry because there are no photos of low-rise jeans gone wrong. It’s all fun and games until someone has to squat down to tie a shoe. Not all cleavage is created equal, folks.

And it’s not just girls. I went in to buy some new jeans at The Gap. Don’t judge. Their cotton is extra soft. But the only ones I could find didn’t even come past my hips, much less to my rib cage where God intended.. What’s a guy got to do to find pants that give their belly a little extra lift. And when I squatted down , I discovered a convenient receptacle for my umbrella. Was I sleeping? When did plumber become the new sexy?

I’m not going to take this lying down. Mostly because I cannot lie down in my new skinny jeans. But also because it is up to us to make a difference and overcome this terrifying trend. Some people prepare for the crashy and explosive end of the world or the zombie apocalypse. I’m rolling up my sleeves and getting ready to take on the low-rise revolution.

Hitch up your pants and buy a belt, friend.

Your good buddy,

Bill

*** For the record, I am greatly disappointed that no links on Dippin’ Dots appear in the related content box as I type this. They are the ice cream of the future, folks! Doesn’t WordPress have an eye to the future. Oh, now there are links.  Interesting how I only had to mention sexism and Merle Haggard once in my last post to get links, but Dippin’ Dots requires twice. Well, I’m not using them now! Too little, too late, folks.