Dear Goodreads, Finally You Did Something Right!

Yo, Goodreads,

I read about your policy changes, and I wanted to let you know that I am in full support. I know that comes as a relief to you because who doesn’t want Bill on their side? Everyone. I mean, no one. Wait. That question was phrased a little awkwardly. Anyway, I just wanted to give you the big ol’ thumbs up from Bill. As an author, I applaud your efforts to keep Goodreads focused where it should be -on selling my book.

I heard that you are cracking down on so-called reviews that don’t actually talk about books, and I approve. Hello, people! Anyone home? It’s called a book review, not an “author pooped on my shoe at a book signing last week” review! Because that only happened that once. Maybe twice.  And you’re only getting one side of the story. What am I supposed to do when someone tells me that my book is sexist and she wouldn’t stoop to even use it as toilet paper? I’ll show you stooping, lady!  **

I also appreciate that you are eliminating removing shelves that are derogatory toward authors. (In your face, Mom! I told you that your stupid “Author isn’t housebroken” shelf wouldn’t fly! And you know you had it coming, too. Maybe that’ll teach you not to wear flip flops at your age. This isn’t over!) Such things hurt sales and have nothing to do with the quality of the book at all. Actually, that’s not true. The quality of the book is directly proportional to the antics of the author. The bigger the turd, the better the book. That’s how it’s supposed to be.

We authors are special snowflakes. The enormous, awesome, rock star kind of snowflakes. Seriously. Rock. Star. The Rolling Stones get to trash hotel rooms. Writers are at least as good as musicians. We ought to get some kind of perk, right? If Keith Richards can toss a TV off a balcony, doesn’t an author get to allegedly poop on the occasional shoe? People need us to be outrageous.

We writers are also a little temperamental at times, sure. We’re all prone to the PMS and what not, even us guys. It’s a curse to be creative sometimes. A rotten, monthly curse. Sometimes we fly off the handle and say things we shouldn’t, but does the world need to know we called our critics “shifty-eyed nose-pickers?” It does not. Some things should remain private. Especially things that hurt my our sales. Thank you, Goodreads, for understanding this and taking swift and dictatorial authoritative action. I commend you. And I’ll ask you to do the same for me. Just go to my book and click the little five-star symbol. Just click it. I don’t care if you’ve actually read it, and I know you don’t, either.

Your pal,


**My attorney would like to go on record stating that the alleged shoe pooping incident did not, in fact, happen. We plead not guilty.


About roadkillwithbill

This blog has nothing to do with dead animals. Exposing the wrongs of this world one Paula Deen recipe at a time.
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